Writing

Once upon a time I wrote. Something happened, and now I don't do it as much as I'd like to. Seeing as that's within my power to change, I acknowledge it being something I need to work on.

Lately I've been finding it a lot easier to help others with their projects than my own. I suppose that's a way to procrastinate so that I don't have to focus on developing all the different types of projects.

Also, I've been trying to really listen to where I feel I'm supposed to be going. Some days, my brain will tell me to be logical, and then my heart tells me to stay, or go someplace random, and I happen across someone I can have a several long hour conversation. I love it when that happens. It happened last week.

I was talking with someone in the First Nations Lounge at school, and we were watching a video about Project 562 that my friend Matika Wilbur is doing, and then I showed this new person "A Red Girl's Reasoning", the short film I produced for Crazy8s two years ago. We talked about the film, how it impacted her, and also talked about our experience being a mixed-person. And, her and I both had writer's block, so we were at least giving each other stuff to write about. It was nice to make a new friend, it's hard in this city, and in general. We're all so disconnected from each other. Alone, together. With our screens, our screens that we say unite us, when they only divide us. I miss the days before everyone had a smart phone. We spent time talking to each other, looking each other in the face. Now it's hard to have a conversation with someone without them checking their phone either every few minutes, or while you're talking. I try to make it a point to keep my phone away while I'm visiting with someone. However, there's ultimately a time in the conversation when every single other person in the circle has their phone out, and I indulge too. A hypocrite, but aren't we all?

Since it's been the end of the school year, I have a lot of people asking me what I'm going to do for the Summer, if I plan on coming back for Fourth year of the Motion Picture Arts program, and what I want to do afterwards.

All very big questions. I hardly know what I'm going to be having for my next meal. I've been fucking up all around lately, being a lot more sociable than I should be, particularly when I have so much homework to do, but I've spent more money out on my adventures than I should, and I'm paying for it now. 

This winter was particularly unbearable due to my fabric softener allergy, and me coming to terms with my own actions, and their potential impact on others. 

It set me off in a state that was really hard to get out of. Winter tends to do that; For me, for many others. 

I've been struggling a lot to keep up in MOPA. Actually, it's a lie, struggling implies I've been doing the work, but the best I can really say is I've been showing up. Well, with written assignments, on-set experience I rock. 

Director of Photography was a tremendous opportunity for me to really get my feet wet in terms of delegating where I'd like my lights set up. I think I could have done a better job, but I'm immensely happy that I was able to be a DoP on a Poor Man's Process. It was a lot of hard work trying to get all of my tools ready for my toolkit, but I had to keep telling myself that it was gonna get easier once the actual sculpting starts (which it did). 

I found one of the hardest things to do with being DoP is giving the estimation for how long I'll need for my set up. I'm not sure exactly how long it'll take get all the cable and run it along, to feed power to my lights, and for my gaffer to find the light, set it up with all my specifications. My struggle was with finding a number that wasn't too high to sound like my set up was too elaborate, but not short enough so that once I said I'm gonna be done, everyone's standing around waiting. 

It's hard to be away from my family, friends, and community. But it's also hard when where you're away to starts to feel like home, and your friends in your new home start to feel like family, and next thing you know you're being recognized in the community. I suppose living in Vancouver for almost five years can do that to you. And I suppose it can also make you feel like a tourist in the city you were raised in. 

Last time I was home, I was really sad, because Seattle didn't feel like home anymore. It feels like where an old friend, that I don't have much in common with anymore. Perhaps if I visited more it would feel differently, but it's not so much the physical setting I long for, but the people. 

I miss my mom, and all her delicious food, while she's not a gourmet chef, she can put odds and ends together like no one's business and still make it taste delicioius. I appreciate that about my mom, and appreciate that my dad used to get me to help my mom in the kitchen. It's nice to know that I've learned some of the recipes she's cooked my whole life, but it still seems as though there's still much more to learn. 

I want to be home for Easter. Not that I'm religious in any way, but I do appreciate the coming together and eating of delicious food. Not to mention it'd be a great excuse to get out of Vancouver. 

I've been trying to put myself out there in terms of dating. It's scary, there's so many things I want to do, and I get scared I'll fall in love with someone who either doesn't encourage or support all the things that I want to do. I have my projects, and I think I may just need to find someone with their own projects, so that we could potentially encourage each other to keep on keeping on, and also try and understand what each other's going through.

I do like being an aunty, but I feel as though my crazy journey I'm on, has made me neglect my aunty duties. It's so heartbreaking to start building up a relationship with my nieces and nephews each time I come to see them, and then when it comes time to leave, they just hug me, and don't want me to go. And then the next time I see them, they don't recognize me. And the cycle continues. But, I suppose with them getting older, they'll start remembering who I am, but I suppose they'll also start remembering me not being there, which frightens me as well. 

I love my nieces and nephews, and I love being an aunty, I just wish I could see them more. 

Sometimes I wish I didn't have my family so spread apart, but I suppose it's a mixed blessing, because I have so much more opportunity to travel and to find family there.

Somebody on the bus was eavesdropping on my conversation, and they asked me what I wanted to be. I told them I wanted to be a filmmaker: Director of Photography, Camera Operator, Focus Puller, Producer, and eventually Write and Direct my own stuff. He told me I had to choose one, and that I couldn't do it all. 

I immediately quipped, "Not with that attitude!"And I think I may have put my nose up in the air and turned away. It's all cool until you tell me what to do. It's not that I want to be incredible at all of these things, I'm not really interested in making the big bucks, if I were, I wouldn't be a filmmaker. I'm a filmmaker because I believe in story, and its potential impact on others. The potential to heal, inspire, take you on an emotional journey is so mysterious, and I want to help inspire and entertain others. I want to collaborate with other filmmakers, and help you tell your story. That may sound like a producer, but I want to encourage non-artists to use their voice.

I understand why the government banned the Potlatch now, and why they wanted to prohibit Native people from gathering. If we were all united, we could do so much. But, unfortunately, many of us have been too corrupted by money, drugs, illness, that we are incapable of coming together.

The recent IdleNoMore actions have inspired me, but I really need to think about ways that we can be collaborating together. As much as I love round dancing, it just doesn't seem to do much than piss people off, and let them know we're still here.

We're still here, we might not look how you imagine us to, but we are still here. And I'm hoping to make good things happen with awesome people. 

I want to produce for Native people, particularly Native women, women of colour, women, mixed-people, and LGBTQTS people. It was interesting, I announced this to someone recently, and they had a brilliant way of categorizing everyone as "minorities".

I suppose that's an accurate statement, because, currently, if it's a story about a straight white male, I'm not interested in helping to advance that story further. I don't really view it as needing any extra help to get ahead. However, if you're a "minority" I would love to help tell your story, and get some different types of representation up there.

I found it so fascinating that someone was so quick to categorize all of the above into one nice "box".

I also find it fascinating that I'm quick to befriend mixed-people. I was having a conversation the other day about "coming out" of the "mixed-closet". I'm living outside of it, and I'm happy that I am. It's complicated being so mixed, but at the same time, other mixed people get it, so I still feel like I have some sort of a community out there.

But coming from so many different places, particularly coming from a community background, makes me want to give back, and I'm having a hard time directing exactly where to focus my energy. There's so much to do, and yet I am realizing that I may not be the one to have to do it all, but it will require some delegation, and patience.

I want to do more writing. I think what I write could help others, but even if that's not the case, at least I think it can help me through my own healing journey. I definitely acknowledge that there's a whole lot of healing out there to do in the world. And I think part of our own healing journey for all of us is finding our voice, and exercising it.

School's almost done, and I have so much to do, but at least my World Cinema final is over with. I think I'll definitely pass on it, but how well I do, that's another story. I'm curious to see what grade I'll get on my essay. My writing is rusty, but if I keep exercising it, hopefully it will get better.